Polyamory is Wrong…Boom!

Poly is WrongBoom

by Lisa Young

“Hey girl, did you see the ridiculousness cousin *blank* wrote on FB?”

My first inclination when I read this text message was to ignore what “ridiculousness” my cousin had written on Facebook. Frankly, I couldn’t care less, especially from a cousin that I rarely see. It’s almost like someone saying, “Ewww, this notastes awful…taste it!”

Yet, on this particular day, I had a nagging feeling that maybe it was worth a look-see, so I did. There it was, suspended in cyberspace on my cousin’s page:

“To whom it may concern: I still love you but…

Polyamory is wrong!…BOOM…There…I said it!”

Huh?!!! I sat dumbfounded for several minutes, going over and over in my head all of the whos, whats, where’s, why’s, and how’s, this comment, in a public forum, about MY life, could be appropriate. Yes, I AM living an openly Polyamorous life, unapologetically; but I can’t say that I flaunt it. It’s more of a non-issue to me.

normalI wake up, take a shower, brush my teeth, feed the dog, give my husband and son a hug goodbye as I head off to work, and text my boyfriend a morning greeting as the car warms up. Thus begins my day. To me, it’s business as usual, rather boring actually.

But to others, well, who knows what torrid thoughts fester in those evil, idle, little minds? Thoughts thatpopcorn-005 consume their pillow talk, and probably fuel their own mundane sex life, as they imagine the ferociousness in mine.  I’m happy to be their living example of “50 Shades of Gray,” as long as they don’t turn around and judge me for what they consider to be a crime against morality. What gives someone the right to grab a bag of popcorn, some Milk Duds, park their lawn chair outside my bedroom window, and write a Facebook review on my love life?

Since that comment, it has come to light that my so-called loving family has had several other members exchanging the ubiquitous, thumbs up, “like” symbol, behind closed doors and in whispered conversations. I have discovered that it only takes one pass from the wolf to get the hens a-clucking in the hen house.

All of this truly puzzles me, considering that, aside from my great aunt and uncle (who are in their late 70’s), and my dad and reallove2stepmom (whose marriage is only 5 years longer than mine), we have the longest marriage in our family- almost 26 years.

Despite my lack of understanding as to why this is such a “Big F*cking Deal,” I have tried to come up with loving ways to address people’s ignorance of polyamory. I’ve found that the best way, and also the most obvious way, is to respond by being more loving. Love without judgment. Love without fear. The last time I saw this cousin, I gave her a huge hug and kiss in the middle of a party, not the customary hello or goodbye courtesy hug. I also planted a big fat kiss on her cheek and told her that I loved her. I did this because I realized that I had never told her that before.

I am able to do this, because living this authentically has made me happier, and more loving, than I’ve ever been in my life. Although it shouldn’t, this has bred a lot of jealousy and resentment in the lives of others. All I can do is love these people for who they are and hope that they find their own happiness in time; so they can stop focusing on judging me for mine.

Love the Ride

So, to all the naysayers who find scandal in my loving committed relationships, have at it. It’s been fun living out your fantasies for you and giving you fodder for your otherwise boring lives.  It truly amuses me that those that gossip the most, deep down inside…”Like” my status!

 

Written by Lisa Young

Edited by WritetoMind

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6 comments

  1. Minx

    This reminds me of my recent coming out to my own biological family. I’ve been poly for 10 years and active in the poly community, including running a weekly poly podcast, for 9 years. I finally came out to my bio family in Texas, and they were ostensibly nice and supportive.

    And then, a few weeks later, things changed. I got an email from my mother saying I’d live to regret this lifestyle choice and a note from my sister-in-law saying that only I–not my partner or his wife–were invited to the family wedding this fall.

    At first I took it personally, but I then realized I should take my own advice with respect to family and coming out: (a) remember that we’ve had 10 years to process this; they’ve had 10 days. Give ’em time. Be patient. (b) Be a good listener and support them in their processing without taking it personally. It’s what you would want them to do for you if the situation was reversed. (c) Give them a year to yell, scream, judge and call names. Anything is game in that time. After that, their ability to see you (or your Facebook updates) is contingent upon their accepting your partners, period.

    And while it sounds like you haven’t come out recently, one thing I also learned is that you can’t change people’s minds. If they’ve been cheated on, it’s unlikely they will ever approve of your polyamory. But I’m a big fan of living well being the best revenge: we go live our happy poly lives, and they can just suck on that. 🙂

  2. Kenneth Matlock

    I’m curious. Does your husband have a girlfriend as well? Obviously not my business, but being a public forum and all and my curiosity being legitimate as any attempts at polyamory for me ended in severe depression and jealousy galore. Perhaps it only works for a certain type of personality or a certain level of happiness already existing before cultivating such a relationship(s). Either way I’m simply curious as to how this works and how your spouse feels about the matter (if you can speak for him that is.)

    • Ron Young

      I can actually speak as I am her spouse and she’s currently on vacation in lovely Puerto Rico with her Other Significant Other (OSO). Dealing with jealousies and insecurities is NEVER easy whether Poly or Mono because these emotions will always be there for you to deal with. Yes, I do have an OSO that has been with me going on her second year and we have been through a lot being that she’s mono but we have overcome lots of obstacles in our journey that had made us very strong. This lovestyle is not as easy one as a whole to transition into if you can’t learn to practice compersion, do away with the mono-normative thinking that we ALL default to, and understand that jealousy is an EMOTION, not a personality trait. In recognizing that one can never BE a jealous person as we were taught, and that jealousy in and of itself is a fleeting emotion, we can start using the tools to work on gaining control over this emotional response. Polyamory ALWAYS starts with YOU growing up emotionally, not with adding extra lovers.

      • Ashley

        Really well said. Enjoyed this response tremendously!! Thank you for sharing!

  3. Chelle

    I applaud you for having a cool head. Also, a loving attitude which is the hardest thing to do when people are being childish. Its messed up your own cousin had to “anonymously” put you out like that on FB. Not even to your face. Who is wrong here?
    Much Love.

    • Lisa Young

      Thank You @Chelle. Sorry it took so long to respond, but I have been locked out of WordPress for a minute. Anyway, we soldier on and continue to love those who don’t understand in hopes that they get there themselves one day. p.s. She is wrong! Lol!

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